I've been writing this on and off since late March, but I've wanted to write it for a lot longer. However, I never had the courage or the confidence because it's so personal to me, and I'm embarrassed even though I shouldn't be when so many people worldwide deal with it. Ironically I'm really nervous about publishing this post, and you're probably wondering, "
If you're nervous about it and it's personal, why are you doing it?" I just think it's strange that I have always put so much of myself into my blog...except this. Plus, maybe reading this will help one of you who might be going through the same thing. Lately I've seen some other book bloggers tweeting about their anxiety, and I recognised myself in them. Seeing those tweets helped me realise that I'm not alone in this, and so maybe I can pass that on. If they can talk about it so freely, why shouldn't I?
This blog post is going to be long, so you should probably get a snack or something. I didn't feel like I could leave anything out, and this isn't something that can be split into two posts. You could read it in two halves if you wanted... :)
What I'm talking about is anxiety and panic attacks. In December 2012 I suffered from a particularly bad virus which was going around school, and unsurprisingly, it was awful. I didn't eat for a week, I lost a
lot of weight, and I didn't go anywhere during that time. You'd think after recovering that I would go out again after being stuck inside for so long, but I didn't. I was scared I would be sick in public. We thought it was Emetophobia which is fear of vomit, and this developed into Agoraphobia which is where the sufferer is scared to go out. I wasn't scared to go out, I just...couldn't. And I didn't want to.
Of course, school had started again after the Christmas holidays, but I found it extremely difficult to go in. I just
physically couldn't, and my family didn't really understand. '
Just go in,' everyone would say. '
Try.' No one seemed to understand that I simply
could not do it. I felt nervous constantly, and it was draining. I felt like I was tearing my own family apart because my stupid body wouldn't do that thing where it steps out of the house and has a normal life. I was confused.
What was going on, and why was this happening to me?
Eventually, after explaining the situation to my Head of Year, I was allowed to only attend school for lessons I felt comfortable going to, which were Art and Music. Usually I would only manage to go to school for maybe two lessons a week, which is only two hours. In short? My attendance record went from 100% to probably the worst anyone has ever seen. My family tried to make me go every day, but I wouldn't and couldn't. People in my class were starting to notice my absences, but I couldn't really tell them what was going on when I barely knew what was going on myself. I was scared and embarrassed and just not myself. Just two weeks beforehand I had been fine and my life had been perfect, but everything had changed. These few hours at school were the only times I ever left the house.
One day at the beginning of February, I was in ICT and something weird - although not unusual for me, anymore - happened. I felt sick, hot, and shaky, for absolutely no reason at all. All I'd been doing was answering some multiple choice questions on the computer and listening to my iPod - there was no reason for me to feel that way. I told my teacher I didn't feel well - like I'd told so many other teachers those last couple of months so I could be excused - and I walked out of school. I came home, not knowing that my teacher had reported me missing because I hadn't signed out at reception, and that if my mum hadn't rang the school telling them where I was, they would have called the police. I was in the middle of my first major panic attack but I didn't know that was what it was, which is why I thought nothing of walking out without telling any staff. I didn't care about the havoc I'd left behind for my ICT teacher back in the lesson. My mind just wasn't in the right place at the time. What I didn't know was that this was my brain activating my fight-or-flight response, which is something I'll explain later. That's why I was only focusing on getting myself out of there, and nothing else.
Unexpectedly, that ended up being my last day at that school, and the last day I saw some of my best friends. We scrapped the whole 'part time' idea and my Head of Year said I didn't have to come in for the foreseeable future, but I would still be on the register in case I wanted to come back at any time.
Then came the countless amount of trips to the doctors, who thought maybe I still had some of the virus from December. There were blood tests, all of which pointed to the fact that I was physically healthy, and not once did the doctor consider I might have anxiety. At this point I wasn't leaving the house at all, so those trips to the doctors were more stressful than they should have been. It was the middle of Year 9 and I had left school for the foreseeable future - what was I supposed to do? How would I do my exams? I didn't see family except those who lived with me, and I didn't see friends. I just threw myself into blogging - it was the only thing I could do. Remember in
this post where I said "
in 2013, there was a day when I literally had nothing to do, and it was incredibly boring. [...] So I wrote and scheduled twelve blog posts." That wasn't just one day, and the real reason was that I wasn't leaving the house and this was the only thing I could do.
So there was the school problem. There was also the problem that no one actually knew what was wrong with me; it was more than Emetophobia, that was for sure - I had barely left the house for three months. Eventually, even though I hadn't been diagnosed, my family and I deduced that I had agoraphobia, anxiety (mainly social), and panic disorder.
I still wasn't attending school so I felt a lot better knowing I didn't have to go. I got onto the waiting list for a therapist on the NHS but it was supposed to take a year for them to get to me as I was right at the bottom of their list. So my Mum started working with me on exposure therapy which at the time I hated, but now I'm very grateful for it. It wasn't an official thing. We would just do things in small steps. On the first day, we stood outside our front door for a few minutes until I decided I couldn't manage it. The next day we did it again, and walked down the road a little bit. This might be making me sound pathetic, but anxiety is a serious mental illness and
1 in 6 teenagers suffer from it.
Meanwhile, my Mum was looking into an online school called
InterHigh. Online, I wouldn't have to be in a public environment and I wouldn't have to physically be with people, but I could still continue with my education and hopefully do my exams. It sounded perfect...but there was no way we could afford it. Luckily, my then-old school where I was still enrolled thought it was a great idea and said they would pay the fees for me to go there. If it was good, they said they would offer it to other students who were suffering with extreme anxiety if they needed it. Long story short: I was the guinea pig, but happy to be. The best education available in the world...for free? And I wouldn't have to see anyone or be anywhere public while there? Perfect. My first day was in March that year, and I loved it. I missed my friends from my old school - I still do - but my anxiety decreased slightly knowing that I hadn't completely messed up my exams after all.
On April 25th 2013 - round of applause for my excellent date-remembering skills, please - I went for a two-minute drive up the road for the first time in months. We went to a family member's house to hang out in the garden for a while. The family member in question was on holiday and had said it was fine if we wanted to go there as we don't have a garden where I live. It was a
really hot day. I still couldn't cope with seeing people other than my parents but it was okay because, as I said, the family member wasn't actually home. We stayed for three hours and I felt really proud of myself. With my confidence boosted, we started going for short walks around town, but I couldn't go inside places i.e. shops, supermarkets, the cinema etc. because I was worried I would have a panic attack in them, or something else would go wrong in front of other people. I also tried to avoid people from the school I had just left, as I wasn't sure how to answer the '
why did you leave?' question just yet.
I'll explain the fight-or-flight response now that I mentioned earlier. When you are in danger, or when your brain
thinks you are in danger, it will activate your fight-or-flight response. Fight = fighting whatever is happening. Flight = escaping the situation, like I did on my last day at school. This is helpful if you truly are in a dangerous situation, but if you have anxiety like I do, your brain will activate your fight-or-flight response randomly at any moment, no matter where you are or who you're with. You might not even be in danger, but having this response will make it feel like you are. For example, often when I'm in a supermarket I'll want to 'flight' i.e. get out of there as quickly as possible. My heart rate will speed up, my temperature will rise, and I might feel sick or light-headed. There are other reactions but this is what happens to me personally. The thing with anxiety is whenever you have the 'flight' response, you will remember every tiny detail from that moment. I mostly get anxious and panicky in supermarkets because that's where I had one of my first panic attacks, back when I had no idea how to try and handle it. Thanks a lot, brain. I handle it a lot better now and I can't remember the last time I had to leave the supermarket because of my anxiety, but it's still not exactly my favourite situation to be in. It's not just supermarkets though. This can happen anywhere.
That summer was so boring and lonely. I didn't feel comfortable seeing friends or family because I was worried I might have a panic attack and/or get sick while with them. I didn't like being in public places. Sometimes I found it hard to come out of my room because I felt nervous and sick constantly, so sometimes my friends would just have 5-hour Skype calls with me. Other friends didn't - and still haven't - spoken to me since I left school, even though I considered them my absolute best friends. I guess I liked them more than they liked me, which is usually the case. Oh well.
Some days my step-dad would take me to work with him which is in the middle of nowhere. He works on his own, and I mostly felt okay because of that (he was paying me too. Never a bad thing...) I wasn't on medication for my anxiety because my doctor didn't think it would be a good idea (he's stupid) but I was, and still am, using Rescue Remedy Soothing Pastilles which have a calming effect, and I have those whenever I'm starting to feel bad. I don't know if they really do work or if it's psychological, but whatever. They help, which is the main thing. If you suffer from anxiety, I recommend those.
I also started seeing a private therapist but she was not helpful at all. In fact, I think she made my anxiety worse because I knew that every Thursday I would have to walk the journey to her house, go into her house for fifty minutes, and talk to her. Sounds simple, but for me it just wasn't. It was a big deal. Every Thursday before I left for our session I would have massive panic attacks where I would struggle to breathe, and usually I'd end up on the floor of our hallway. Yeah, dignity wasn't really an option for me anymore at that point...
After a few sessions, I begged my parents to stop our sessions, and they did. I instantly felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
In October I went inside a huge supermarket for the first time in months. I felt really, really, really nervous, and I had to leave after 25 minutes, but that was okay. This will sound weird, but taking photos seemed to help me. If I was doing something and testing my anxiety, like making myself go into that supermarket for the first time in months, I'd often get one of my parents to take a photo of me. I suppose that's because 1) it took my mind off things and 2) it was something to look back on so I could prove to myself that I
could do it.
After this I started going to the supermarket and into town and other small shops a bit more. I was also seeing one of my best friends very occasionally, but never for very long. We wouldn't go anywhere, we'd just chat on my doorstep for a few minutes.
In January I discovered
Mindfull which is an online counselling service for teenagers. It's meant to be a stepping stone for teenagers to work up to going to see a counsellor face-to-face, and it's really helpful. It's free, and you can start pretty much instantly with your chosen real-time, qualified, adult counsellor who you can arrange appointments with either by messaging or over webcam, and I highly recommend it. My counsellor is lovely. She likes The Hunger Games, Divergent, and YouTubers. Basically she's awesome, and she's helped me a lot.
I'm still finding it really hard to see people, but in April I saw two of my friends for the first time this year. There are still a lot of my friends who I haven't seen since I left my old school in February 2013, and I'm still finding it hard to see family, too, although I'm working up to it. It's not really places that are difficult for me now, it's more...people. I don't know why, to be honest.
Plot twist coming up. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you'll know that in March I was invited to the
Divergent movie premiere in London. And I went. None of you knew this, but that was a BIG thing for me. Here is a list of things I was anxious about:
- The car journey to London, which would be the longest journey I'd been on for a looong time.
- The 45 minute tube journey into the centre of London. I do love using the underground, I always have, but I was (irrationally) worried about being trapped in a confined space full of people. In the quiet. What if I had a panic attack? What if I wanted to get off? What if I drew attention to myself?
- The busy streets.
- The crowds.
- Seeing other bloggers in person.
- Walking the RED CARPET in front of THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE including KATE WINSLET AND SHAILENE WOODLEY AND THEO JAMES AND VERONICA ROTH. What if I had a panic attack or something else in front of THEM? I think this was the main thing...
- Being confined in a noisy, busy cinema for hours. The same cinema in which sat bloggers I knew and famous people. Bearing in mind I hadn't been with so many people since before I got ill.
- I was worried about having to leave halfway through the film as I really wanted to see it, and if I left I would never forgive myself. Plus, I was worried if I had a panic attack in the middle of the cinema, people would notice. If you haven't noticed already, I hate attention when my mind is full of anxious thoughts.
- Wanting to get away and not being able to.
- Doing the Fan Experience.
- The tube journey home.
- The car journey home.
- What if my anxiety was so bad I didn't even manage to leave the house that day? I'd already tweeted about the event excessively. If I ended up not going, I'd have to explain stuff. Also, I probably wouldn't have ever forgiven myself for missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
The whole week leading up to the premiere was stressful and I was extremely anxious 24/7. We went in numerous shops to find new outfits for me and both my parents, and as I've already said, I still found going in shops challenging. This time I had to be in
various shops for
hours at a time. We also talked about the event a lot as we planned the journey and what we would be doing on the day, which only increased my anxiety. At one point I just thought '
I'll be in the middle of London. If I have a panic attack, I'll just have to deal with it.' I said in
my vlog of the day that I didn't sleep the night before the premiere. You probably thought it was due to excitement but it was because of all of this - I'd pretty much been having one constant panic attack
all week.
But the day of the premiere came, and I did it. All of it. I even bumped into some other bloggers, but I pushed through the anxiety somehow and, while I definitely wasn't my usual self around them (which is a shame. I hope they didn't think I was being rude.) I think it went okay. I even walked the red carpet in front of thousands of people, and I sat in a cinema for hours with thousands of people, and I didn't panic. The tube journey was fine, too. YAY.
So that was surprising, and very cool. It ended up being the best day of my life. I think preoccupying myself with vlogging the day and taking photos for my blog post helped, as it was a big distraction and didn't let me be alone with my own annoying thoughts for too long.
This time last year I could barely leave the house, and it's only in the last couple of months that I've started trying to fight my anxiety instead of letting it take over. I just don't want to live with it anymore. I'm done. The premiere really boosted my confidence, and when I said thank you to the PR company in my vlog for inviting me, it wasn't just because I got to go to the premiere. It was because their invite made me want to do this massive thing which, otherwise, I wouldn't have thought of doing. Everyone needs a little push sometimes, and without that event I probably wouldn't be any closer to feeling comfortable with busy places and long journeys. It really was a massive help.
Something that annoys me is when people joke about panic attacks. 'Oh my gosh this book was so good, I had a panic attack on, like, every page, haha.' I see tweets and comments like this all the time. I don't think people realise how insensitive they're being by saying that. I don't know if it annoys anyone else but when I see people saying that - especially to me, when I actually suffer from panic attacks - it puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. It seems like having anxiety and panic attacks has become 'cool', and that's not okay. It's like saying to someone with depression, 'This book was so sad it actually gave me depression.' Why don't you stop joking about mental illness and think how lucky you are to not suffer from these things.
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| I saw this photo on Twitter the other day and it sums up anxiety perfectly. I'm not sure who this image belongs to so if it's yours and you want me to take it down, I will do so instantly. |
Anxiety isn't just limiting my ability to go out and have fun and interact with people face-to-face. Something that commonly goes along with anxiety is having difficulty concentrating. I'm really starting to feel the effects of this so I'm hoping it will be a phase. I'm a teenager, I should be worrying about exams and other teenager-y stuff, but instead I'm worrying about all of these other things like seeing family and talking to random strangers and being in public places and being trapped in a confined space like a train and having panic attacks in public. I know these are not rational thoughts to have. I'm hoping I'll improve even more this year.
Being a book blogger with anxiety is really hard. I'm lucky enough to get invited to quite a few bookish events, and 99% of them I have to turn down because of my anxiety. Some recent ones I've had to decline invitations to are the
City of Heavenly Fire launch party (which I was DESPERATE to go to), and a blogger evening at Movellas HQ. My anxiety is also part of the reason I didn't go to Hay Festival like I'd planned. I love being invited to these things, it just frustrates me sometimes that I can't go.
Anyway. Fifteen months later at the time of writing this, I'm far from being back to my old 2012-self, but I feel like I'm recovering gradually. We're going on holiday to Cornwall in July which will include two ten-hour car journeys, and before the premiere I was really nervous about it, but now I'm not, even though I'll be forced to go outside for a week, non-stop. Somehow, I'm looking forward to the challenge, because if I get through all of that, I know it will be a big help just like the Divergent premiere was.
Last year I did
not want to go places or see people. There wasn't one tiny part of me that actually wanted to. It was like anxiety had come storming into my brain, shoved a bag over 'Old Amber' and taken her away, because before I started suffering from this I loved going everywhere and being with everyone. But now, a year later, it's like I've 'paid the ransom' for 'Old Amber' and she's coming back, because I now
want to go places. Like,
everywhere. All over the world. It's nice to have a part of me back again, if that makes sense. While this time last year I didn't want to go out and interact with people, now I do. That's a big change that has happened in my mindset.
I know I haven't properly explained my illness and I haven't done it justice at all. I highly recommend watching
Zoella's video on anxiety as our thoughts are pretty much the same and she is much more coherent than me. This time last year I tried to watch it and couldn't finish it without having a panic attack myself. I finally managed to finish watching it a few weeks ago.
In a way, I'm kind of glad I went through all of that. Because I wasn't going to regular school, I had time to complete an Art course online at Penn State University in which I got 96%. I also managed to get a job as a columnist at a newspaper. If I hadn't developed this anxiety, I wouldn't have left regular school, and it wouldn't have occurred to me to do these things, nor would I have had the time. Developing this anxiety also allowed me to leave a school which was then in special measures (for those not in the UK, it basically means the government declared it as one of the worst schools around), and transfer to one of the best schools in the world where I'm now getting a really good education. So yes, anxiety is extremely hard and obviously I wish I never had developed it because life would be so much easier now if I hadn't. But it gave me the opportunity to do a couple of cool things. With anxiety, it's good to think about the silver linings, as hard as they may be to find.
I just wanted to share this with everyone. It's been a huge weight on my shoulders and it will continue to be until I fully get back to my old self - if I ever completely do - but I think writing this post has helped slightly, although I'm kind of terrified about publishing this and the response it could get. Maybe it will give a bit of hope to someone else who is suffering that things do eventually start to improve, and you're not alone.
Lastly - if you're still reading - thank you for reading such a huge post. I've been writing this post on-and-off since March, and it's finally done and - clearly - ready to be published. Sorry it's so long but there's just so much to anxiety and I wanted to try and get everything in. I was thinking of writing about how I deal with my anxiety, but then this post would be even longer. If that's something you would like to know about, let me know and I'll start working on another post.
Hopefully this post will help at least one of you who might be going through something similar. Thank you for reading, if it was all of it or just one paragraph. And of course, if you have any questions at all, feel free to ask me. :)
